Compassionate CommunicationSermon byReverend Nancy BouchardJanuary 18, 2009
This morning is an Intergenerational service and I’m very happy to have our young people in the sanctuary with us.
Anyone here like to watch television? — I want to share a story about a time I was very mean and disrespectful because I didn’t get to watch my program. I was ashamed of myself so I decided to take some lessons on how to communicate better when I am disappointed or don’t agree with someone. It started on a Sunday evening. I was looking forward to sitting down with my dish of ice cream and watching a show I really like, Extreme Home Makeovers. A friend (I’ll call Jill), was watching another station. I mentioned “my show” was on at 8PM. It didn’t seem like it would be a big deal. I just assumed she would change the channel when the time came. About 5 minutes of 8, I sat in my chair with my ice cream. I thought “any moment the remote would be in my hands.” At 5 past 8 no remote and no Extreme Home Makeover, and at 10 past 8 we were still watching her show. It didn’t look like she was ready to change the program so I got up and went out side with the dogs. I was angry! 45 minutes later Jill shouted “is your show on?” “HA! Thanks for nothing, it’s nearly over” I yelled back and THAT is when things got really bad. The accusations flew, I was passive aggressive, she was selfish and controlling, I expected people to read my mind, she wouldn’t recognize someone’s needs if they threw them at her. That night I slept downstairs, she slept upstairs, and the dogs slept in the living room. She was gone for work by the time I got up, no phone calls or emails to each other that day. Monday night when I arrived home she was in bed upstairs, I slept downstairs and the dogs…they slept in the living room. By Wednesday I was emotionally exhausted and decided to come home early. “I’ll cook myself a nice meal and relax,” I thought. Jill wouldn’t be home until very late. I was stirring the shrimp; the table was set for one when she came in. “Wow, your cooking supper for us?” “What planet is she on?” I asked myself. “Cooking us supper.” “She’s never home at this time and 3 shrimp, a small salad and a little bit of rice, is not an us meal.” It was a replay of Sunday all over again…the words were sharp; selfish, uncaring, hostile, insensitive, …with a few expletives thrown in. Friday the e-mails crossed in cyberspace “We have got to talk!” We agreed to a heart to heart on Sunday evening. Your issues, may not be television shows, maybe it’s who does more housework, or who doesn’t balance the check book or who forgot to pay the mortgage. Maybe it’s unacceptable behavior in settings like meetings, social events or church functions. The specific issues are endless in nature, but the sources are the same…how we listen and how we communicate. Researchers who have studied the field of communication suggest that listening and communicating are not as easy and simple as we assume. Some people define an effective communicator as one who could sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, others might say it’s someone who can educate or relate to a wide range of people. Effective listening might be repeating every word spoken in the last 15 minutes, or a good listener might be someone who is non-judgmental, someone who just lets you talk. Theorists find there are many ways to define listening skills and communications but there are several important basic premises:
Understanding and practicing effective communication skills help us engage in dialogues that are life giving to everyone involved. “Life giving”…no one walks away feeling they have not been heard and respected. Studies of intimate relationships; partnered, married, dating, living together, whatever we might call it confirm that poor communication is at the center of 50% of first marriages ending divorce, 67% of second marriage ending divorce and 74 % of third marriages ending divorce. So, Jill and I sat down on Sunday and first we apologized, each taking responsibility for the hurtful words. We recognized and admitted un-healthy communication patterns and we decided to enroll in an intensive, 10 day communication training program. `We selected a well known model called “Non-Violent Communication” by the founder Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, an internationally recognized psychologist and expert on communication. More recent references to the evolving model refer to Rosenberg’s system as “compassionate communication.” Dr. Rosenberg grew up in Detroit during the race riots when tension between African Americans and Caucasians was deadly. He was not only a skinny white kid, he was a Jew. He was picked on and bullied regularly and so he had lots of practice trying to communicate at the height of disagreement. In all sincerity I always thought of myself as “a good listener and communicator.” But the painful truth was pointed out at the intensive training. YES, I listened well…to myself. I filter conversations through my life experiences, my upbringing, things that have happened that make me who I am. Certain words are triggers, and some words I purposefully selected to invited disagreement. Did you know that we can listen to 500 words per minute but the average person only speaks about 125? So what happens in-between? We fit in lots of thoughts and feelings and ideas and responses. Meanwhile we hear only a portion of what is said and oftentimes we are ready to discharge our thoughts long before their time. Dr. Rosenberg stresses that we engage in both verbal and non-verbal messages and that we experience multiple elements of communication such as emotions, power, inclusion, trust, just to name a few. My sitting down with my ice cream was my idea of a non-verbal message that it was MY turn for the television. It was also a message that the power distribution in the relationship was suppose to change. Was I aware of this as I did it? That’s a big fat NO…not consciously anyway. So, one of the keys to the compassionate communication model is self-awareness. Dr. Rosenberg model makes it easy for us to define our patterns and be more self aware. In his model we are either listening and communicating with giraffe ears or we are listening and communicating with jackal ears. Giraffe ears refer to the “empathic listener.” The mind empties of prejudgment, and enters into discussion with respect for others feelings, thoughts and opinions.
When you listen with giraffe ears you: process what you hear before you speak, examine how the conversation effects you-what feelings come up, and consciously assess the Rosenberg’s top 4 -what do I need, -what outcome do I want, -what are my alternatives if I back off and -keep the door open for other conversations.
Jackal ears are in it to win. Jackal ears hear -with defensiveness, -with resistance and ready for a fight. Jackal words are not feelings and needs but right and wrong, good and bad faults, anger, and a language of demands.
Jackal ears want to correct, moralize, and be right. Jackals think they will change people. Giraffes communicate what is alive in them with confidence and care and in the spirit of understanding even when there is not agreement. You know what the conversation looked like between Jill and me when we were wearing jackal ears but here is what it could have looked like with giraffe ears” “Looks like you are really enjoying this program.” Usually by the end of the week I’m tired and feeling very overwhelmed. One of the things I find healing and restoring is watching Extreme Homes Makeovers. I like the way it emphasizes community. I wonder if you would be willing to change the station at 8 o’clock so I could watch it. Giraffe ears have an open mind and open heart and if the answer you get is NO, I’m not switching the station ..there isn’t a switch to the ugly step-sister who yells out “you selfish, one sided, power hungry, inconsiderate toad!” It’s the big hearted giraffe who decides maintaining the love and care of the relationship can also be relaxing and so I would respond “would you like a bowl of ice cream and I’d like to join you in watching this program.” OK, but what about the conversations with those you don’t love? What about the person whose behavior is hurtful, offensive and destructive? I will acknowledge that several of you have asked about a right relations committee because you observe behaviors such as this in our church life. I believe every one of us is on the right relations committee, in our church, in our community and beyond. In schools around the country young people are learning to deal with the bullies, with behavior that is harmful and aggressive. Many of the schools are using Dr. Rosenberg’s model or one that isvery similar. You observe the behavior, (without judgment) you express YOU feelings, YOUR needs and ask for an outcome.
ROLE PLAY I noticed in our meeting you were engaged in side conversations when Jill was talking about an item on the agenda. I feel overwhelmed and get confused when there are multiple conversations. I want to listen and hear all the comments people make. I wonder if at our next meeting you would be willing to share your thoughts when others aren’t speaking. This coming week-end church leadership will be spending a day and a half talking about the dynamics, the goals and the future of this church community. We will certainly discuss the very practical aspects of what is needed at the church but so will we be looking at the very critical dynamics of listening and communication. I will be encouraging us to wear our giraffe ears as we consider how to create and sustain a healthy church family and how to integrate compassionate communication in their church life and maybe even in their personal life. If you have ideas for us please be sure and talk to one of our Board of Trustee members or a Committee member. I end with wisdom from Dr. Rosenberg: “When we understand the needs that motivate our own and other's behavior, we have no enemies." ~ Blessed Be, Shalom, Om Namah Shivia, Amen
_________________ References: Littlejohn, Stephen W 2002 Theories of Human Communication http://www.cnvc.org/ The Center for Non-Violent Communication website Tannen, Deborah 1986 That’s Not What I Meant
©2009 Rev. Nancy Bouchard |