The Quest for Perfectionism

Sermon by

Reverend Nancy Bouchard

January 25, 2009

Some years ago I was going through a period of unabashed self pity. My spirit was further depressed by the realization that my well laid plans to have everything in life be perfect by this age simply wasn’t happening. There was no perfect partner; no perfect job, no perfect house, no perfect friends and even the dog had faults.

I was living alone so I worked lots and lots of hours. I consistently arrived home very late; I’d drone out on television for a while, eat lots of junk food and then flop into bed.

Sleep was fitful and scarce and usually by 2a.m., I was wide awake. The pattern was predictable, I’d sit up, grab a notepad and start making lists, what in hindsight I call “the conjectural list.” Some nights the list described the perfect partner, sometimes it was a list of the perfect jobs or the perfect places to live or a step by step formula for creating the perfect life.

Perfectionism, it can be of the adaptive type:

A mental determination providing the motivation you need to persevere over obstacles and succeed at life’s challenges.

Michael Phelps, the winner of 8 gold medals in Olympic swimming events, might be considered a perfectionist on the more adaptive side. Struggling with attention disorder and social isolation he focused his energies on a passion and strived for perfection in a sport.

Perfectionism can also be maladaptive:

A destroyer of self-esteem, joie de vive, creativity, and spirituality.

It is indeed a challenge and an art unto itself to distinguish the line that marks the moment when striving for perfection becomes vigilant, compulsive intent.

If you’ve not seen the advertisements you may be shocked to know there is currently a reality show called Toddlers and Tiara’s. Little girls, lots of them, some who can barely even speak complete sentences, are coiffed, heavily painted with lipstick, make-up, eye shadow and any other “corrective liquid” on the market. They are over dressed and coached by parents who will sacrifice them at almost any cost so they might be crowned the perfect beauty.

Psychologist often make the distinction between health and unhealthy perfection by noting what is most evident in these two examples “perfection as a choice versus perfection as a compelling concern.

In all its potential harm to the body and the self, it is the harm to the spirit that I want to unpeel. In our little faith community, here at UUCLV, there exists a propensity for many of us to be “perfectionist.” Highly intelligent, highly motivated, highly educated, many come with genetic and socially reinforced paths . As a group we are predisposed towards excellence, and as such we might often hear the voice inside that says “sometimes perfect, is just not good enough.” The internalize image is imprinted, “To be truely perfect, I must walk on water”

Now, before you going saying to yourself, “PHEW! Glad I’m not one of those,” it might be helpful to hear the patterns, thinking and behaviors. Who knows, you may just be sitting next to someone who fits the description!

There is an interesting personality assessment tool called the Enneagram of Personality. The test measures 9 personality typologies.

An encircled nine pointed figure, the symbol is believed to be rooted in the geometry of 4000 years ago. Some speculate the use of Enneagram dates back to Philo (felow) a Jewish philosopher known to have been interested in the relationship between numbers in the bible and the ideas they symbolized. Two orders of Sufi tradition “the Brotherhood of Bees” and the “Symbolist” are also said to have used the Enneagram in 14^th century. The Enneagram is found in 17^th century Christian literature and in recent times Chilean Psychologist Claudio Naranjo reframed the language of the Enneagram into contemporary psychological concepts with 9 typologies representing the dominant energies of the psyche.¹

Type 1, the Perfectionist sometimes called the Reformer is the Enneagram type in focus. Herein march the Unitarian Universalists, determined to walk rather then row over the wide river.

Reformers/Perfectionists have an unwavering attention to detail enhancing their appreciation for excellence and elegance in shape, color, musical score, a piece of art or a speech. They easily fall into the category of being work-a-holics, seldom relaxing. They tend to reprimand themselves for days after the smallest error. They procrastinate, often missing deadlines or force to complete things at the last minute. They tend to be exceptionally sensitive to criticism.

Type One’s can be emotionally guarded, have a strong need for control, a tendency to be stubborn or confrontational. They have a strong internal critic and are harsh in their judgments of mistakes made by others,

From a spiritual perspective they want intimacy and close relations but can be impatient with others, so they avoid at best, or confront and alientate at worst. Perfectionist struggle with feeling unworthy and judged and spiritual connection becomes more about ritual, duty, approval seeking rather then a pure desire to reach to what may be beyond the self. Type ones may have a hard time with shared feelings- able to communicate personal need but not consistently avaliable or understanding of others needs. It is not uncommon for the persona of virtue to disguise anger, resentment and other vices and reverence can be misguided to self worship.

BUT WAIT!!! Perfectionist leaves a bitter taste but Reformer, now that sounds far more nobel.

Indeed, perfectionists are gifted with strong personal integrity, a quality critical to our faith community. On the wings of the perfectionist the reformer is working hard to make the world a better place. Strong ethics, coupled with a strong sense of responsibility, can keep UU’s focused on the values and princples we profess. The reformer can be objective and therefore a great problem solver with a deep understanding of fairness. The Reformer also understands serenity and in their quiet place they can bring a sense of peace.

To experience peace Perfectionists need reassurance of their value, acceptance, and affirmation of their value. Perfectionist need to know they are not in it alone. And remember for most us gentle humor can be a way to remind all of us then we all make mistakes even when we’re trying our best. As others take time to celebrate sucesses and achievements, the perfectionist is witness to the joy that comes from accomplishment in community and can be reassured that life goes on without perfection. And finally, practice, practice and practice the art of patience, with yourself as you are trying to walk on water, and if not you, with the perfectionist in your life who with some gentle engagement, offered in a loving way couple may live more often on the side of reformer.

OK, So after this insightful journey about the dangers of perfectionism, I think I may have in fact found something PERFECT.

I was looking through the wedding notices the other day and found an announcement that fits the bill.

Baker-Delorme Freeport, Maine

Chelsea “look at all my diplomas” Baker and Noah “hometown hero boy” Delorme, have decided to stop pretending they’re even mildly interested in other people and will mate for life.

Ms. Baker has received seals of approval from Cornell and Columbia Universities and has an impressive resume that includes “talking a lot” and attending parties for some of San Fransico’s hippest companies.

The groom-to-be dropped out of high school, three colleges and is currently an underemployed out-of-season farmer with no grammtical understanding of quotation marks.

The couple would like to thank family and friends for endless hours of therapy and in lieu of gifts please send whiskey aged 10 years , in commemoration of their decade of on-gain off- again dating.

SO why is this the perfect piece? Being able to name our imperfections, being able to admit we can’t walk on water, to greet the strong perfectionist psyche and enjoy its energy while resisting its insistence as often as possible, and all the while knowing people love you anyway…now that’s PERFECT.

And just in case you’re wondering where I fall on the Enneagram typology - well, I DO walk on water - but only when it’s frozen!

May It Be So, Shalom, Om Namah Shivia, Amen

1.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enneagram & Overcoming Perfectionism Ann W. Smith, MS